"I am never going to be what others expect me to be and I do not have the interest to double-check if they are disappointed before or after they figure that out. "
Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
But something pulled me back
Voice of reason I forgot I had.
For many years, I had always thought that I did not deserve anything at all in my life. Every time when He blessed me with wonderful people and things that I had never asked for, I felt this tiny pinch in my heart, like I had stolen something from someone who deserved it much more than I did. My mind would go like: He/She is so much a better person than I am and ever going to be, so why am I the one who always gets everything.
From time to time, I kept waiting for some bad or shitty stuff to happen as I couldn't be the only one who got all the good stuff in life. In fact, when things went wrong, sometimes I felt like I deserved them. To be honest, I was somehow glad and relieved at the same time because they made my life a little bit less "perfect".
As the 5-minute meet-up turned into 30, I was told that life did not work the way that I thought it did. I had never thought that I had anxiety issues as I just sat around fearing that everything that I owned would be taken away slowly over time. She told me that I had done everything right and that I should go out and enjoy my life and the best part was that a lot of people searched the whole wide world to find the love that I had.
In my heart, I guessed that I had known it along but I just needed somebody to say it out loud to me. I was grateful for every word of hers, and I must admit that I was taken by surprise when she held my hands and hugged me.
After doing some thinking, I came to the realization that whenever I was problem-free, I had the tendency to worry about stuff that would never occur, and 99% of them existed just in my mind. Thus, I knew that it was time for me to shed all of my fear and self-doubt. Somehow I needed to take it in that I deserved everything just like everyone else did.
Besides that, I guessed I had to put myself first in terms of everything, even if that meant that I would come across as a selfish person under certain circumstances. I had to learn to start saying "No" to things that did not feel right or stuff that I did not enjoy doing. For countless times, me compromising had never brought all parties any good and had actually made a lot of matters worse than it already was. I also learnt that I never really stood up for myself and I owed it to myself to do that.
Also, I was grateful for every single person that appeared in my life. For example, every Smurf taught me valuable things that I had never discovered in myself and in life. A taught me to strive for things that was worth the effort. B revealed that innocence was truly a priceless blessing. C proved to me how one could still smile and dance in a heavy downpour. D reminded me that satisfaction was one of the best feelings in this world. E got me to rethink about the value and importance of friendship. F made me reflect on the significance to spend some quality time alone.
From G, I learnt to love myself more and H showed me how to love and to be braver and my own saviour. From I, I knew that it was imperative to strike a balance between friendship and love. J told me how important it was to have your own voice and thought and from K, I understood the importance of family time and bonding. Also, L made me discover that everyone should be comfortable in their own skin and style. Lastly, M proved to me how one could be selfless in terms of friendship and love and how time could eventually wash away all the pain and sorrow.
I had heard it say that people came into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. Every one that I had crossed paths with had made an impact in my life, even if they might not realise it, including those who had bad-mouthed/abandoned me and those who I wished I would never ever have to see their faces in the future. As much as I wanted to deny it, each of them had changed me in ways that I had never imagined, in both good and bad ways of course.
Certainly, I knew that I had changed a lot over the years and I did not know if it was for the better or for the worse but deeply I understood that some of the changes were essential as it proved to be healthier for me both physically and mentally. Also, there was a certain part of me that would never change for anyone.
For now, I am still learning the ways to live unapologetically and not the way that some people expected me to live. They might be happy or might be disappointed
That day marks one of the most significant life-changing event in my life. She might not realise it but she has changed my life for good. "Just remember that He is the one who made you, " that, I'm going remember for a long time to come. =)
Not Giving Up - The Saturdays