#2.15 2010

"Some feelings could only be felt and not be summed up with a chat over a muffin and a cup of tea during breakfast."

It's always amazing to look back and realise how many choices that you'd made, how many good time had gone, how many times your feelings were hurt, how much tears were shed, how much you'd changed, and most importantly how far you've come. It's only been a year. Yet, everything had changed so dramatically, in both good and bad ways.

A lot of unexpected things popped out of nowhere and I'd learnt never to expect the expected in life, as everything would change in any seconds. And whenever I looked back, I would be surprised when I realised how short and fragile life was, and how easily it could be taken away.

Today last year, I set foot in Bradford college for the first time. Being miles away from my family and friends and alone in a world that was so unfamiliar, fear was everywhere. And uncertainties never left. I had not realised how much courage and strength I'd summoned until a small chat with someone in the church. "It must've required a lot of courage to come here all by yourself, did you ever feel scared?" She asked. I answered no but in my head I was shouting Yes, and All The Time. There were always a lot of fear and uncertainties behind the courage, weren't there? I remembered crying to sleep in my room holding the photo album the first night in Adelaide, feeling all alone, and I continued to every night in the first week. I had never been so far away from my family, and the thought scared me to death. I dreamt of home and friends every night. I scolded myself to be so stupid and stubborn to choose to study so far away when I could actually choose otherwise.

I remembered looking up into the sky shimmering with thousands of stars. It might sound strange but it really made me feel closer to home, and at the same time feeling less lonely as I knew we were looking at the same sky after all. I remembered taking out the extra pillow case from the closet just to smell it. It reminded me of home, and I cried more. I remembered cooking instant noodles with William the night before the tests, and it reminded me of the nights when my high school friends and I sms-ed and called one another just to make sure that every one was awake studying, and it gave me strength and encouragement to push on.

Later, things went pretty well, if not better. I met all these monkey Adelaidians. I had never talked to anyone about the bond we had, or the beautiful sunset that we watched together or the crazy night of Brian's birthday, or the AB dinner we shared. I just felt there's no need to, as no matter how nice or understanding they were, I knew that they wouldn't understand, as they had not gone through it themselves and mere words could never be able to describe it. The same went to the moment I had with my high school friends, and it too applied to the time I spent with the friends in Intec. Some feelings could only be felt and not be summed up with a chat over a muffin and a cup of tea during breakfast.

Lesson learnt last year: Life, just like dark night, it may be dark, but it will always be accompanied by millions of stars, and they are always always there even if you don't get to see them sometimes. And when I look back, I know just as much how far I've come.

Walk. Eat. Blog

T-Chow, China Town

Currently

listening to: Angels cry (feat. Neyo) by Mariah Carey
watching: Charmed season 5

reading: Dear John by Nicholas Sparks (cried 3 times reading it, shit!)